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Welcome to the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. Agent Susan Denholm has prepared this series of instructions to help you maintain physical and mental preparedness, even when circumstances prevent your regular training regimes.

lyrics

Hello Agent.

If you are listening to this, it is because the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. has been instructed to go deep underground, and you no longer have access to our agent training regime.

Key to being a good D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. agent is staying at peak physical condition, and ensuring you keep your surveillance and analytical skills highly attuned.

In the event that you have been assigned to Stage 4 or similar “lockdown status”, use this audio module to maintain your training schedule.

I will relay a set of instructions which you will need to access via your portable communications device. Listen to a complete instruction, and follow it before listening to the next directive.

You should also record visual evidence of your observances during this mission with said device. We obviously can’t have this transmitted back to the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. in the usual way. As such, we recommend using a code to ensure our analysts can track your data transmissions. Transmit your data with code #TerraceTo5K via the public yet unassumingly covert platforms symbolised by either a bird, or a 1970’s camera.

You may need to share intelligence with other agents, but be sure that you can trust them.

Assume a covert disguise; I recommend attire that is comfortable to move in, and will help you blend in with your surroundings. Intelligence indicates that Active Wear or All black with a handmade face mask is most suitable in your jurisdiction.

Please remain aware of your surroundings at all times. The D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. cannot use its sophisticated surveillance equipment to warn you of imminent threats such as cars, bicycles, magpies or social media influencers. You are responsible for your own wellbeing while following these instructions.

When you have arrived at your primary location, commence from instruction 1.

credits

from For Your Ears Only: Stage 4 Training Module, released September 17, 2020

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all rights reserved

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Splendid Chaps Productions Melbourne, Australia

The Splendid Chaps are a Melbourne-based comedy production team comprising writer John Richards, comedian Ben McKenzie, actor/singer Petra Elliott, sound engineer David Ashton and writer Lee Zachariah.

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